Football Features
A bit of fun to kick off the season .....
all of the below is fiction and means no offense to anybody!! You have been warned!!
Footballing definitions
Football: A game consisting of 22 skilled players, one impartial referee, two eagle eyed referee's assistants and one stupid ball.
Teammate: Another person that you have to dribble around
Fans: Two sets of abusive referees
Offside: The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are drawn towards.
Scoring: When 11 men spontaneously start dancing and kissing, regardless of any injuries, whilst 11 others droop like wallflowers
Striker: Faultless, overpaid, box hogging layabout who only misses the goal when he is fed a bad ball
Defender: Player who's function is to commit fouls just outside of the penalty area
Ball: Round object used by referees to entice players into committing fouls
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Work or football
The following instruction recently appeared on a workplace notice board:
ALL APPICATIONS FOR LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR FAMILY BEREAVE MENTS, SICKNESS, JURY DUTY, ETC., MUST BE HANDED IN TO THE PERSONNEL MANAGER NO LATER THAN 6 P.M. ON THE DAY PRECEDING THE MATCH.
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Ooops...!
"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area, for goalies is between their legs" ANDY GRAY, SkySport
Richard Keys: Well Roy, do you think that you'll have to finish above Manchester United to win the league?
Roy Evans: You have to finish above everyone to win the league, Richard.
"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different."
TREVOR BROOKING
"What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal." JIMMY HILL
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Let the ball do the work
'You're all feet!' yelled the coach at the practice session.
'All bloody feet! How many times have I told you - use your brains, use your feet, but let the ball do the work!' ,
'Well, don't tell me,' shouted the unfortunate player. 'Tell the bloody ball!'
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Player bonus
The manager called his leading goal-scorer into his office.
'You've played so well this season,' he said, 'that the committee has decided to give you a special bonus.
We would like you to accept this cheque for £500.'
'Thank you very much,' said the player. 'That's very kind of you.'
'And,' continued the manager, 'if you play as well for the rest of the season, the chairman will sign it for you.'
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All you think about is football
Wife: 'Football, football, football! That's all you ever think about! If you said you were going to stay at home one Saturday afternoon to help with the house' work, I think I'd drop dead from the shock!'
Husband: 'it's no good trying to bribe me, dear.'
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The Thermos
David Beckham goes shopping and spots a Thermos flask.
'What's that for?' he says.
'It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold,' says the salesman.
Beckham buys one and takes it home to show Posh.
'It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold,' he says.
'You ought to take it to work,' she tells him.
So he takes it in to training the following day.
'What've you got there, son?' asks Sir Alex.
'It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold,' says David.
'That's a good idea,' says the manager. 'What have you got in it?'
'Coffee,' says David. 'And some ice cream.'
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Baby Mix-Up
A Man Utd fan, a Liverpool fan and a Chinese man are in the hospital maternity ward.
The doctor goes out to the fathers and he tells them that there has been a mix up with the babies.
He says, "each of you go in and choose a baby that you think is yours, then come out and then we will review the situation."
The Liverpool fan goes in first and comes out with a baby. The doctor immediately spots a fault.
He approaches the Liverpool fan and says, "come on lad, you know thats the chinese baby" to which the scouser replies "I know, but there is a Manc baby in there and I'm not taking any chances!"
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Three old football fans
Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams.
The first one asks, “Oh Lord when will Liverpool next win the European Cup”
God Replies, "In the next five years."
"But I'll be dead by then," says the man.
The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will England next win the World Cup?"
The Good Lord - answers, "In the next ten years."
"But I'll be dead by then," says the man.
The third one asks, "Oh Lord when will Everton win the Premier League?".
God answers, "I'll be dead by then!"
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Dilemma
You're trapped in a room with a Grizzly Bear, a deadly Rattlesnake, and an Chelsea Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the Chelsea Fan. Twice.
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Q & A
Q: How can you tell when Leeds are losing?
A: It's five past three.
Q: What do you call 100 Arsenal supporters at the bottom of a cliff?
A: A good start!
Q: What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
A: Waste of Spice
Q: Why can't you get a cup of tea at Goodison?
A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Anfield
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